Are you a fixer?

There are many days when Steve comes home from work and asks me how my day has been.  I’ll rant and go on and on about whatever situation while working on dinner, and he’ll sit and listen carefully while drinking his Coke Zero on the couch.  Finally, when I finish my ranting, I’ll look up, look at him in the eyes and ask, “Well?  What do you think?”  After he’s spent time listening carefully to my complete opinion of the situation, he’ll give me a calm response that usually involves something along the lines of “Beth, you already know the answer.”

The bottom line is that I usually DO know what the correct response or answer to my problem is, but I like to voice it and “flesh it out” by telling Steve every detail he really doesn’t need to know.  I like to be heard, and feel as though my opinion matters.

In my opinion, Steve has mastered Stephen Covey’s 5^th Habit, from the book “Seven Habits of Highly Effective People.”  Want to know what that habit is?  Simple.  “Seek first to understand, and then be understood.”

Steve does a tremendous job of listening to my side of a situation, before providing his obvious solution.  And not only does he choose to hear what I’ve said, which makes me feel valued, but he also chooses carefully his response, based on what I have said, allowing me to know he’s really listened.

I can honestly admit that I am not near as good at this habit as my husband is, but I’m working on it.  How about you?  How well do you listen to others, and try to understand their opinion, and their side before developing an opinion of your own? 

Here are a few tips I’m trying to put into practice, in order to improve my “Habit #5.”

1.     Listen closely when someone else is talking.  I know it sounds almost silly, but it is so easy for me to become distracted when someone else is speaking to me.  Whether there are other individuals walking around nearby, or my child who is chasing the dog while I’m on the phone, distractions always seem to be in place.  I am trying hard to listen closely to what others are saying when they speak to me.

2.     Repeat it back.  One of the best ways that I can be sure I truly understood someone is by repeating back what they just told me.  Now, I don’t mean for this to come across as repetitive and obnoxious, but just enough of a “rewind” for you to be sure you understood, and the person you’re talking with to know you listened.

3.     Put myself in their shoes.  Whenever I’m listening to someone tell me about a situation they are seeking advice with, I usually try and put myself in their shoes.  I try to imagine how I would feel about the situation, and how I would naturally want to react.  That doesn’t give me a license to react that way, but for me, trying to really understand the emotions I would hold because of a situation generally helps me to empathize with the person I’m talking to.

4.     Only give advice when asked.  Sometimes people just need to have a sounding board.  I know I’m that way.  Sometimes I just want to rant and get something off my chest, but never actually need any kind of advice or steps of action to conquer my problem.  That’s something I try to keep in mind, and I try to only offer my suggestions and my opinions when they are asked for.  Other than that, I try very hard to keep my mouth shut, and serve as a sounding board for the person I’m talking with.

Okay, well that’s it.  Let’s all work on Habit #5 together this week, what do you say?  If you’ve got tips that have helped you “Seek First to understand, and then to be understood” please send them over!  I’d love any advice you can give me!